you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
should my penis look like a turkey
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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