I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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