I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
