so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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