he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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