wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
