So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
