I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
