You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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