Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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