I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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