I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Slut skills are useful in every country.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
