I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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