Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
