Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
