Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
