When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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