God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
