can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
