when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
