Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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