I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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