new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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