Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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