How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
