Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
