and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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