I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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