my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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