So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
