***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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