nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
