In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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