We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I touched a dick in church today
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
