my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
