I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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