I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
