Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
