Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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