Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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