I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
