As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
