drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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