Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
