I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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