Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
