peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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