i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
