dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
