Umm I'm too high to move.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
