So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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