The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
